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Let Down

Please, someone remind me why I ever bothered trying to open up to and trust people?

I really thought people would be more supportive of my Angelo Fund... not as in throwing money at me, but I mean... just *support*,
yet so far, I've had pretty much the complete opposite - crushing words from people I really trusted, and actually... I think shame and/or embarrassment, like asking for help is a terrible, terrible thing.
I'm so shocked and appalled by the reactions - what have I been doing all this time then, when someone I cared about needed help, or when I cared about a cause I could do something about? I strongly believe in this stuff, and the places I have shared it (that hasn't been strictly my friends) I only shared because I've seen them do amazing things for other people, for a lot less. They seemed like other good, caring people. But I just don't seem to be able to get it across in a positive light, that doesn't make it look like I just want a "posh dog." Do people really think that is what I'm doing? That I'm that type of person?
Honestly, I don't know why this hit me so hard, or surprised me... I suppose I just let them too close to something that was too close to me, and left myself vulnerable. Either way, I'm feeling pretty pathetic at the moment... last night was just panic attacks, crying and hurt until this morning, I think I'm just kind of numb.
I really thought I was around some great people these days, but once again...ignorance prevails. They choose not to understand.

But regardless, I will do this. I will make it, once again, on my own with no help, like I always have, every damn day.
I've saved up all that cash before, and although it will be harder and take longer this time, I will get there, accomplish this goal and finally be able to live the small, happy life I always wanted.

And it will feel all the better, because I will not owe or have to thank anyone else for it.

The Angelo Fund!

Hi guys,

I know it has been a while again, but things are pretty grim still. Ups and downs, but nothing significantly new I'd like to report.
However, I would really like to ask for your help with something.

I've likely mentioned more than once my desire for my own dog, since moving out here with Matt, and we decided on a Bernese Mountain Dog, as the personality would best suit us, as well as the living conditions here. (lake district, farmland, etc)
We have been saving hard, selling, doing what we can, but with the benefit cuts and having a lot of bad luck financially this passed year, our savings have dwindled from £2000 to £800, and dropping. I am working hard to get this back up, but we need £2000 minimum by November if we hope to get a pup from our lovely breeder, who has been very kind and helpful through all this. The puppy is just over £1500, and we are saving a little extra to get some other essentials and the first insurance and what-not ready.
If anyone can help us reach this goal, we'd be so grateful. I don't feel right putting all of our story in the page, but you guys here on LJ know what it has been like, and what I am like...

Please help if you can by donating and/or sharing this: https://www.gofundme.com/AngeloFund

Or buying something from our Ebay sales!
http://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/wizardinablizzard*
http://www.ebay.co.uk/usr/ubermatt63


Thanks for your time!

Spirithoods?

Does anyone know of a place to buy/sell/trade Spirithoods?

I have some I'm thinking of selling or trading, and looking for a few as well...feel free to get in touch if you're up for it!

Trapped.

....of course, it can only get worse.
Only today did the back payment for the PIP come in, which is a relief, yes, but the letter for it that came was not comforting at all.
The whole thing is done on a points system, and I got either 0 or close to 0 on the things that really matter and are relevant to my case.
Basically I got 0 points for anything to do with what my stomach illness gives me...I genuinely should have had maximum points for these sections, and without them, I don' even know how I got by at all....they are my main issues, and were completely bypassed.
Also I will have to apply all over again in 2018.

Awful enough, but then it got worse.
I read THIS today.
My other benefit, which already has a review soon and I could lose anyway, will be decreased significantly, despite all they've done to save it...fucking Tories.

What am I going to do?
I'm not being a greedy bastard here, worrying about money for the sake of money - this is my home, my medication, heating, food...life!
Applying for, and then doing without DLA was more than difficult enough, now even if we do win, it won't be enough to live on...am I going to die because of this? Are my Parents going to die taking care of me? What am I supposed to do with my whole life?
They really do just want us dead, and if I wasn't so angry at them for doing this to so many other, innocent people....I think at this point, I'd happily oblige. But this isn't just about me....if any of us give up now, what message are we sending others that suffer?
We have to survive, somehow, and make it past this...kick those bastards out, and save who we can....
Damn, this is hard though... once again, suicidal thoughts and self harm have taken over me, I can't eat, I can't sleep until I pass out for exhaustion, and then I'm having nightmares...there's no good days anymore, and if I try to speak to someone about it, they dismiss it, or don't understand...if I hear one more person say "just try not to think about it" I'll bloody take them down with me....

Another thing going around with the more positive, but naive people I know is that I should "see about getting it fixed".
There was a procedure that I could have undergone as a child, apparently, to remove the part of my stomach that is dead, but they missed that and then told me I was too old...my brother, who is a carer and learning more about the medical profession, says it could still happen, and I could even be rid of the lot and have a bag. Woopie!
This may sound well and truly ridiculous to many of you, but I think I would actually choose the pain over having a bag stuck to my side like that....no offense to anyone that actually has one, it is just... my pain is mine. I don't enjoy it one bit, but it is something inside that I have learned to cope with, and no-one else has to see. Having something external so that people would know... is like giving up after everything, to me. My issues are there for everyone to see. I'm not afraid of opinions as such....I just...couldn't do that.

Another point, bad as it sounds, is that the saying "people accent a broken leg, but not a broken mind" is absolutely true when it comes to these things. Even if by some miracle, my stomach illness was physically cured, there's a lot more going on here, and by solving a physical problem first, that leaves no reason for them to help me anymore. I still won't be able to work, and physical pain is the only kind of pain they accept. Now, I know how this sounds....I'd like to say, that never have I ever used my illness as an excuse. I've never lied about it, never will, and I don't hide behind it. I just refer to the order of things...having this illness my whole life has left me with plenty of other issues that I just don't know how to deal with, and apparently, neither do doctors or shrinks...
When I get to the point of self harming or suicide, then they try to help me, but as soon as I'm out of that zone, they have a "get to work" mindset and when I don't magically improve...that's it. They give up, blame me, as if I'm doing this on purpose...is it really so easy for the general population to be "cured"? People I know have mostly had positive, helpful experiences with their therapists, and I do want to get better...so what's wrong? My theory is, generally when someone goes to visit a shrink of some kind, it is about something irrational that is going on in their head, like mad anxiety or depression that stops them from...well, everything. This is fixable through various therapies and time...however, my problem is a real thing in life, that causes other things, and is a horrific, vicious cycle. Now, how can one go to a doctor or any kind of specialist and expect them to fix something that is genuinely going on in your life? They can try to change how you think/feel about it, of course, but in my case...that really won't help.
I can't just ignore these issues and deal with them as they come...I'd die if that was the case! I'd actually likely be long dead already.

What can I do? The more I think about things, the more I worry about Matt and the people around me....I wish I wasn't around to torture them anymore. It is hard to feel good about one's existence through this. And sometimes, I even think that they are selfish, in expecting me to deal with this every day and slowly die in the most humiliating way, because they'd feel bad...it just isn't the same.
But I love them....I don't know.

Both Matt and my Dad say another trip to the Doctor is called for...here we go again.

Winning?

Hello again!

It has once again been too long, but as usual, things have failed to stay positive or calm in my life.

The DLA, or PIP as it is now called, has really hit me this time round; we did end up winning, which of course can only be good news, but the whole process has scared me completely out of my wits. I am reminded of how easily and quickly what little I have in my life can be taken away, and how many people have died because of it being taken from them...
Nobody likes or chooses to be disabled and have a life like this -- it is mind-numbingly meaningless, but we are told by those around us, as well as doctors, shrinks, etc, that our life is worth living, and saving...and now, after all this, the government are all-so-blatantly trying to kill us off. They are causing us to lose our transport, independence, and homes; to be unable to afford what medication we need, actually starving us...it is beyond terrifying to witness. What are we supposed to do, other than just kill ourselves?
This is what they are telling us to do....but after all this, I'll be damned if I make their lives any easier.

I actually feel so guilty for winning though, after knowing what other people have gone through, only to lose...I am overwhelmed by it all, and fear for my future....
People in my life don't seem to understand though - they say I should be happy and think only of now, and how "well" I've done.
Winning a DLA people will never feel like a "win" for me...either way, I feel like I lose. It is more than that - it is life or death for so many of us. If I lost, that does not mean I can have a little sigh to myself, shrug my shoulders and sign up for work... I *can not* work. This isn't a job change or house move for me. What would you do if you knew that in three years, you could possibly lose everything, just like that? My Parents are old now, and I wouldn't want anyone to "take care" of me anyway... what is my life going to be, if I (and I probably will) lose?



I can't let go of these thoughts, regardless of what anyone has to say....I need some time.
I haven't been able to go outside the house, or answer the phone in two weeks, even to my shrink...no idea how to get myself back.
And nobody is really there for me - they don't understand why I'm upset, after winning.....

Please, let this year improve...

Big announcement...

As of October 12th, Matt and I are engaged.





Inner Workings

Okay, it is time to talk about something private...
Well, I guess this more of a "thinking out loud" kind of situation, as I try to work things out.

My brain is finally awake after being on Citalopram for three years or so (I've just switched to Fluoxetine) and although I'm definitely still in the horribly rough transition period, I am also reminded of the problems I left behind when I went a bit "loopy"...
They are difficult, but they are practical problems, which I just can't solve on my own - I need help. Now where to get it?
Let's do some self-analysing here...


My whole life, I have felt stupid. Like shit on the ground, completely pointless, worthless existence kind of stupid, and its the one thing no-one has ever been able to change my mind about. As I've previously mentioned in yet another whiny entry, I've always been sick, but my childhood was the worst for it, which meant no school, friends, and basically very little going into my brain.
My Parents would try to teach me the odd thing, but with their less than wonderful parenting skills/marriage situation, and my own horrendous sickness and frame of mind (I always thought it was pointless and that I was going to die soon anyway) whatever I learned, was from books I happened to pick up and read. Thankfully I have a natural love for reading and writing...
Still, you can't teach what you don't know, so as education goes, I've got fuck all going on upstairs, and before anyone chimes in with the old "oh but it doesn't matter! You can get by without those pointless skills!" ...it is not the point, at all.

Perhaps there is a lot of pointless and negative aspects to the education system, but there's some key things you get within it that you just can't get anywhere else. That is social skills (even just to the coping level, so you're not scared of people or groups!) and GOALS.
In school, you discover what you like, what you don't, what you're good at, what you never want to your brain through again....there's a lot of little choices and events in all this that so many people take for granted. I suppose a simple word to sum it all up would be CONFIDENCE. I have precisely zero when it comes to the subject of intelligence. While a lot of kids were off being jealous of who was pretty, popular, in a relationship, etc, I was at home, in bed, wishing to hell I had even the average intelligence that people tend to take for granted and walk away from.

I mean, there's so much I wanted to do, and experience...I have lists! Pages and pages of things I'll probably never accomplish thanks to how much of my life has been wasted. And yet I continue to do so because I don't really know what to do about it. I read and day dream, and wish there was a sexy little Matrix drive to whack in my brain so I could catch up...I have vivid, intricate daydreams about my perfect life for fuck's sake, and basically all I am in it is smart.
I'm actually too embarrassed to elaborate on more details of it, since it is a very private part of my mind...maybe some day.
But it brings me on to another point, which is what is scaring me more than ever...



In the past, you may have noticed that I have gone through somewhat of a life over-all on more than one occasion. Likely more times than is actually healthy. This is because of that part of my mind, that wants to be something more than I possibly can be right now, or maybe than I ever can be. I become sick of myself, because I can't be what I really want, so change things for "another fresh start".
This also tends to include relationships. I was really hoping that this would never be the case with Matt -- I know that I genuinely love him, and I do want to stay with him...you know, permanently. He's honestly the most amazing person I've ever known, and I don't know how he puts up with me for a second...
However, I have been known to get "fixations" on other people from time to time, usually individuals I like to refer to as "unattainables". I don't mean this in a Fangirl-Esque way, I don't think, but is still quite ridiculous to lust after an Unattainable.
So, I decided to analyse myself regarding this weird pattern, and see what I can come up with from a logical/outsider perspective....

These Unattainables tend to be individuals that are in a place, either mentally or physically, that I wish very much to be in myself, and somehow, I manage to imagine myself able to offer them something in return that they would actually value....
In real life, a relationship like that would never work, because I'm not the person I imagine myself to be - helpful, hands on, smart, strong...I am none of those things, because of my sickness. And these unattainables would have no time or love for me.

Still, why do I have to be attracted to someone like this, in such a way?
If it is some kind of weird desire to be that kind of person, why can I just not think of myself straight up? Why does the idea involve that person?
....perhaps this isn't making much sense anymore. I'm brain storming on meds, after all.

When these wants/desires start to blur into the life I'm living though, one does have to worry.
Something must be done. Outsider advice is called for.

...but even if I can somehow manage to attain all these great, amazing things....what then?
Is it too late? Why do I want these things? Life confuses me - there's no direction.


I'm fucking mad as a hatter.

Back to Madness...

Man, I wish I could be the person I am on the inside....

I know, that sounds fucking weird, but its being bothering me so much these past couple of months especially.
Ever since I was small, I wanted to be something else - a lot more, but never have been able to do anything about it, thanks to my stupid useless body and lack of education.

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of how life has turned out - finally, moved out to a beautiful place, met someone who I love and who loves me back, have had a decent relationship with my family since I left, and generally do okay. I'm happy, I'm content.
But I still feel like a bottom feeder, and it can always be taken away so easily...my life has never and never will be dependant on me, because I'm incapable, and that is a really sad, terrifying, all-sobering thought.

The anti-sadness meds I started a few years back basically seemed to numb me and my feelings, so I could only focus on the moment, and pretty much forget most other things...in a way, that was good while I learned to cope a little better, but now I'm switching to some others in hopes of my memory, and already, I'm remembering just how shit I feel as a person...shit.

Finally, I can write again, and straight away, about 6-7 pages went down in my own private diary, which instantly lead me to perhaps the core of my depression - this. I daydream because there, I can be how I feel on the inside. I forgot all about it until my brain woke up again, and I've felt on the verge of tears ever since.
And I know, a lot of people day dream and have issues with their lives, it sounds very sad and silly of me, at my age, to be in that zone. But its not the same...it is still hard to pin down with words, but I'm trying...
Just...if I was was the person I feel I am on the inside, the person that's been banging on the inside of this damned cage of a body for years, I'd be in a totally different place, doing totally different things...

Man, I'm very confused right now...back to the drawing board.

The Affects Of Spring

Well, we're getting right into 2015 now, aren't we? I hope everyone is enjoying the beginning of Spring...
Time seems to be going so fast already, and as you may have guessed, I'm still sick a lot of the time, with something or another -- I can't even say how many times I've been to the doctor since I moved out of the Smith house!

Either way, we're both still very happy here; we had a harsh winter, but Spring is setting in nicely and its just so pretty all around;
there's sheep and their lambs everywhere, we're feeding wild birds and voles, we've had deer visit us.

And speaking of visits, my best friend came to visit us for a few days last week; I was actually pretty nervous since its been a while since I've been in contact with a lot of my friends, who've lost interest since I left (if not before) and certainly no-one has visited, except for family... most would probably think this place is boring, since there isn't anything in walking distance.
Still, she seemed to enjoy it! We mostly chatted all day every day, and caught up, which was awesome...its been so long since I had someone to talk to in that way....Matt is wonderful and all, but his conversation can be...short.

On the last day of her being here though, he took us both to Center Parcs for a day visit...it was great to show her the place finally, since I always wanted to take her on a holiday there....anyway, I think she liked it, and it did us all a lot of good. : )

Honestly though, I'm feeling bad more often than good still...
As previously mentioned, my stomach medication is gone, and there's not much in the way of a substitute, so I'm in pain a lot of the time now, and bedified. Of course, that sets of depression, and also a realisation: Firstly, that in all honesty, and I hate to admit it....I really can't manage things by myself, as I am. I really hoped that I'd be able to by now, and maybe I would, if not for those pills disappearing... its really scary, and I still need to work out how to overcome it. I get the feeling though, that things won't be the same again...another issue with it is that because I get sick so much, I can't do much in the house, which only leaves Matt, on top of his work...this will no doubt frustrate him, and that makes me realise something else about myself:
A lot of the time, I don't feel like my life belongs to me.
When I'm not sick, I feel that I should be making it up to people I've let down...and the cycle basically continues. Especially now.
I don't think I could even live with myself if I didn't make it up to Matt somehow, and friends before that....all this is too much for one person to bear...poor Matt...


As for things outside of me, it seems back home, The Smith family aren't doing so well...
As well as my mother's illness getting worse, it seems my Dad now officially has a serious heart condition. It has been missed for a long time now, because we all knew something was wrong, but apparently, they didn't give him the correct tests, and even now, they don't seem to be in much of a rush to help...he's on heart monitors, but won't go into hospital or anything, which is fair enough...still, he does tend to hide things and over-do it...its such a worry, and with my brother and I so far away, and my sister not really paying much attention...
I don't know, it probably wouldn't make much difference if we were there....he hides so much, and doesn't listen.
My brother is a qualified carer, but he's all the way up in Inverness....he says he will come down, but Dad won't have it....

Scary times ahead.

A Year To Grow Up!

Welcome to 2015, lovely people!
I hope your new year has gotten off to a positive start!

Mine so far, is a little slow; I didn't celebrate it in my new home, with my lovely boyfriend and two little guinea girls -- I got really sick a couple of days ago and had to be taken back to my parents house for emergency doctor things, and now I'll be here til Monday, getting dosed up on pills. :(
Its disappointing, but I've been sick for so long, at least half of the year, unable to do anything, I think all of us now are just looking at the picture picture and wanting to get this over with! At least now, when I get home, I'll hopefully be a whole lot better, and able to crack on with stuff around the house!

By the way, our house is awesome!
It has some little problems here and there, particularly with damp, but the landlord and his family are really nice and down to earth, so we're working through that pretty well.
Its such a nice place, surrounded by sheep, and also just peaceful...we love it.
Its also not far from Matt's work, so he's happier, and even a lot of the shops we like are only a twenty minute drive or less.

So yes, generally, I'm very happy that 2014 is out the window, and I'm looking forward to what this year will bring... (please be good stuff!)

One scary thing about it though is that the meds I take for my long-term sickness, the ones I have taken since my teens that made my life...livable.... the company has shut down.
I have one more box left, and that's it, and I have no idea what could be used as any kind of replacement....life is about to get harder.

Wish me luck!