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Back to Madness...

Man, I wish I could be the person I am on the inside....

I know, that sounds fucking weird, but its being bothering me so much these past couple of months especially.
Ever since I was small, I wanted to be something else - a lot more, but never have been able to do anything about it, thanks to my stupid useless body and lack of education.

I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of how life has turned out - finally, moved out to a beautiful place, met someone who I love and who loves me back, have had a decent relationship with my family since I left, and generally do okay. I'm happy, I'm content.
But I still feel like a bottom feeder, and it can always be taken away so easily...my life has never and never will be dependant on me, because I'm incapable, and that is a really sad, terrifying, all-sobering thought.

The anti-sadness meds I started a few years back basically seemed to numb me and my feelings, so I could only focus on the moment, and pretty much forget most other things...in a way, that was good while I learned to cope a little better, but now I'm switching to some others in hopes of my memory, and already, I'm remembering just how shit I feel as a person...shit.

Finally, I can write again, and straight away, about 6-7 pages went down in my own private diary, which instantly lead me to perhaps the core of my depression - this. I daydream because there, I can be how I feel on the inside. I forgot all about it until my brain woke up again, and I've felt on the verge of tears ever since.
And I know, a lot of people day dream and have issues with their lives, it sounds very sad and silly of me, at my age, to be in that zone. But its not the same...it is still hard to pin down with words, but I'm trying...
Just...if I was was the person I feel I am on the inside, the person that's been banging on the inside of this damned cage of a body for years, I'd be in a totally different place, doing totally different things...

Man, I'm very confused right now...back to the drawing board.

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