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Inner Workings

Okay, it is time to talk about something private...
Well, I guess this more of a "thinking out loud" kind of situation, as I try to work things out.

My brain is finally awake after being on Citalopram for three years or so (I've just switched to Fluoxetine) and although I'm definitely still in the horribly rough transition period, I am also reminded of the problems I left behind when I went a bit "loopy"...
They are difficult, but they are practical problems, which I just can't solve on my own - I need help. Now where to get it?
Let's do some self-analysing here...


My whole life, I have felt stupid. Like shit on the ground, completely pointless, worthless existence kind of stupid, and its the one thing no-one has ever been able to change my mind about. As I've previously mentioned in yet another whiny entry, I've always been sick, but my childhood was the worst for it, which meant no school, friends, and basically very little going into my brain.
My Parents would try to teach me the odd thing, but with their less than wonderful parenting skills/marriage situation, and my own horrendous sickness and frame of mind (I always thought it was pointless and that I was going to die soon anyway) whatever I learned, was from books I happened to pick up and read. Thankfully I have a natural love for reading and writing...
Still, you can't teach what you don't know, so as education goes, I've got fuck all going on upstairs, and before anyone chimes in with the old "oh but it doesn't matter! You can get by without those pointless skills!" ...it is not the point, at all.

Perhaps there is a lot of pointless and negative aspects to the education system, but there's some key things you get within it that you just can't get anywhere else. That is social skills (even just to the coping level, so you're not scared of people or groups!) and GOALS.
In school, you discover what you like, what you don't, what you're good at, what you never want to your brain through again....there's a lot of little choices and events in all this that so many people take for granted. I suppose a simple word to sum it all up would be CONFIDENCE. I have precisely zero when it comes to the subject of intelligence. While a lot of kids were off being jealous of who was pretty, popular, in a relationship, etc, I was at home, in bed, wishing to hell I had even the average intelligence that people tend to take for granted and walk away from.

I mean, there's so much I wanted to do, and experience...I have lists! Pages and pages of things I'll probably never accomplish thanks to how much of my life has been wasted. And yet I continue to do so because I don't really know what to do about it. I read and day dream, and wish there was a sexy little Matrix drive to whack in my brain so I could catch up...I have vivid, intricate daydreams about my perfect life for fuck's sake, and basically all I am in it is smart.
I'm actually too embarrassed to elaborate on more details of it, since it is a very private part of my mind...maybe some day.
But it brings me on to another point, which is what is scaring me more than ever...



In the past, you may have noticed that I have gone through somewhat of a life over-all on more than one occasion. Likely more times than is actually healthy. This is because of that part of my mind, that wants to be something more than I possibly can be right now, or maybe than I ever can be. I become sick of myself, because I can't be what I really want, so change things for "another fresh start".
This also tends to include relationships. I was really hoping that this would never be the case with Matt -- I know that I genuinely love him, and I do want to stay with him...you know, permanently. He's honestly the most amazing person I've ever known, and I don't know how he puts up with me for a second...
However, I have been known to get "fixations" on other people from time to time, usually individuals I like to refer to as "unattainables". I don't mean this in a Fangirl-Esque way, I don't think, but is still quite ridiculous to lust after an Unattainable.
So, I decided to analyse myself regarding this weird pattern, and see what I can come up with from a logical/outsider perspective....

These Unattainables tend to be individuals that are in a place, either mentally or physically, that I wish very much to be in myself, and somehow, I manage to imagine myself able to offer them something in return that they would actually value....
In real life, a relationship like that would never work, because I'm not the person I imagine myself to be - helpful, hands on, smart, strong...I am none of those things, because of my sickness. And these unattainables would have no time or love for me.

Still, why do I have to be attracted to someone like this, in such a way?
If it is some kind of weird desire to be that kind of person, why can I just not think of myself straight up? Why does the idea involve that person?
....perhaps this isn't making much sense anymore. I'm brain storming on meds, after all.

When these wants/desires start to blur into the life I'm living though, one does have to worry.
Something must be done. Outsider advice is called for.

...but even if I can somehow manage to attain all these great, amazing things....what then?
Is it too late? Why do I want these things? Life confuses me - there's no direction.


I'm fucking mad as a hatter.

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