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Trapped.

....of course, it can only get worse.
Only today did the back payment for the PIP come in, which is a relief, yes, but the letter for it that came was not comforting at all.
The whole thing is done on a points system, and I got either 0 or close to 0 on the things that really matter and are relevant to my case.
Basically I got 0 points for anything to do with what my stomach illness gives me...I genuinely should have had maximum points for these sections, and without them, I don' even know how I got by at all....they are my main issues, and were completely bypassed.
Also I will have to apply all over again in 2018.

Awful enough, but then it got worse.
I read THIS today.
My other benefit, which already has a review soon and I could lose anyway, will be decreased significantly, despite all they've done to save it...fucking Tories.

What am I going to do?
I'm not being a greedy bastard here, worrying about money for the sake of money - this is my home, my medication, heating, food...life!
Applying for, and then doing without DLA was more than difficult enough, now even if we do win, it won't be enough to live on...am I going to die because of this? Are my Parents going to die taking care of me? What am I supposed to do with my whole life?
They really do just want us dead, and if I wasn't so angry at them for doing this to so many other, innocent people....I think at this point, I'd happily oblige. But this isn't just about me....if any of us give up now, what message are we sending others that suffer?
We have to survive, somehow, and make it past this...kick those bastards out, and save who we can....
Damn, this is hard though... once again, suicidal thoughts and self harm have taken over me, I can't eat, I can't sleep until I pass out for exhaustion, and then I'm having nightmares...there's no good days anymore, and if I try to speak to someone about it, they dismiss it, or don't understand...if I hear one more person say "just try not to think about it" I'll bloody take them down with me....

Another thing going around with the more positive, but naive people I know is that I should "see about getting it fixed".
There was a procedure that I could have undergone as a child, apparently, to remove the part of my stomach that is dead, but they missed that and then told me I was too old...my brother, who is a carer and learning more about the medical profession, says it could still happen, and I could even be rid of the lot and have a bag. Woopie!
This may sound well and truly ridiculous to many of you, but I think I would actually choose the pain over having a bag stuck to my side like that....no offense to anyone that actually has one, it is just... my pain is mine. I don't enjoy it one bit, but it is something inside that I have learned to cope with, and no-one else has to see. Having something external so that people would know... is like giving up after everything, to me. My issues are there for everyone to see. I'm not afraid of opinions as such....I just...couldn't do that.

Another point, bad as it sounds, is that the saying "people accent a broken leg, but not a broken mind" is absolutely true when it comes to these things. Even if by some miracle, my stomach illness was physically cured, there's a lot more going on here, and by solving a physical problem first, that leaves no reason for them to help me anymore. I still won't be able to work, and physical pain is the only kind of pain they accept. Now, I know how this sounds....I'd like to say, that never have I ever used my illness as an excuse. I've never lied about it, never will, and I don't hide behind it. I just refer to the order of things...having this illness my whole life has left me with plenty of other issues that I just don't know how to deal with, and apparently, neither do doctors or shrinks...
When I get to the point of self harming or suicide, then they try to help me, but as soon as I'm out of that zone, they have a "get to work" mindset and when I don't magically improve...that's it. They give up, blame me, as if I'm doing this on purpose...is it really so easy for the general population to be "cured"? People I know have mostly had positive, helpful experiences with their therapists, and I do want to get better...so what's wrong? My theory is, generally when someone goes to visit a shrink of some kind, it is about something irrational that is going on in their head, like mad anxiety or depression that stops them from...well, everything. This is fixable through various therapies and time...however, my problem is a real thing in life, that causes other things, and is a horrific, vicious cycle. Now, how can one go to a doctor or any kind of specialist and expect them to fix something that is genuinely going on in your life? They can try to change how you think/feel about it, of course, but in my case...that really won't help.
I can't just ignore these issues and deal with them as they come...I'd die if that was the case! I'd actually likely be long dead already.

What can I do? The more I think about things, the more I worry about Matt and the people around me....I wish I wasn't around to torture them anymore. It is hard to feel good about one's existence through this. And sometimes, I even think that they are selfish, in expecting me to deal with this every day and slowly die in the most humiliating way, because they'd feel bad...it just isn't the same.
But I love them....I don't know.

Both Matt and my Dad say another trip to the Doctor is called for...here we go again.

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