Sorry to leave things so long, especially after such sad entries, but you may be happy to know that things are quite a bit better now!
Matt landed a job at Center Parcs Whinfell, and we found a really great house, which we'll be getting the keys to on the 6th! Its not Scotland, but...we've made a pretty good compromise, I think. *For Now*...
For a while, though, we have been staying with Matt's Dad, just in the borders of Scotland.
I've probably mentioned in the past, on more than one occasion that I love the place; the house, the area...its beautiful, and pretty much what I think makes up my dream home.
Basically I was very excited to stay here, until we found our own place.
Now, in all honesty, I can't wait to get out!
They're lovely people, Matt's Dad and his missus, don't get me wrong, but I just don't feel comfortable being around, and using their stuff!
Also, they really don't like my guinea girls and won't let us rinse their things in the washing machine, so we have to do it all by hand, in the bath/shower, then clean all that by hand after, yet they're perfectly happy to let their (adorable) cat's hairs everywhere, including my clothes, when I'm horribly allergic...that part pissed me off, yes.
Also a lot of the stuff they do and talk about is for Matt - my opinion isn't even asked. In fact, a lot of the time, Matt's Dad will just go off and do stuff without asking either of us...I get it, Parents love to help, a lot, but...well, I feel outnumbered here.
His words are starting to imprint on Matt, and he's getting even more negative views on the girls, and other stuff....I won't be bullied by either of them, and I stand my ground, but, you know...it doesn't feel too great to be in that position.
I can not wait til we're in our own house, with no-one to get in the way, or get in the way of....
- Current Mood: sick
He had one last walk with my Parents, then the three of us and Matt stayed around him while he was administered the injection, and slipped away. He was very calm, and loving all the attention from us, and also, the vet was absolutely wonderful and very kind.
We all love you so much, Archie Fluff, and we'll miss you every day -- even your sister, Tiffy!
Sleep well, baby, and thank you for taking such good care of us. <3
- Current Mood: sad
Once again, its been a while...
2014 has unfortunately not been kind to me, especially not in terms of health.
A lot of this year has actually had me bedridden and in pain, which doesn't do much for morale -- I haven't wanted to do anything, talk to anyone, or I suppose be reminded that I'm supposed to exist.
I'm getting too old for this shit, but life, and my body does not seem to agree - it gets old for everyone but me, it seems.
However, I'm honestly praying that things are about to get better.
Matt has been wonderful taking care of me and making me feel a lot more desirable that maybe I should, taking me out when I'm well, giving me little presents and treats to perk me up, and now, he's taking me on a dream holiday for my birthday this October!
Not as glamorous as you'd probably expect -- longleat. I've always wanted to visit the safari park and meet a giraffe for the first time, and Matt has booked us into their local Center Parcs on the 13th, and we'll have a few days there, as well as open surprise presents, apparently, haha. God knows what we'll actually do on my birthday though, (the 11th) Matt suggested a meal, but....as bad as it is, I'd rather have my lovely chinea again, as tradition, haha!
And also, it may be the last in a long time...which brings me onto the next thing....
Finally, we have solid plans to move to Scotland!
The idea was that we save a certain (rather hefty) amount each, then get a loan to buy a house around the borders, but its going painfully slow, especially with Matt's work not being very reliable. (arseholes, in fact.)
So a few nights ago, we spoke to Matt's Dad, and he agreed we can stay in their house for a while so Matt can find a local job, and also save better. This also gives us a great chance to find the perfect house to buy, rather than having to wing it a bit...we can have a proper look!
Man, this is scary stuff, but it will be more than worth it.
Obviously we still have to find work for him before we can just move, but I've asked him to wait til after my birthday to move either way...
I wonder what its going to be like....not sure I'll miss friends, since I never see them anymore, but...you know, the fact they won't be an option even...I'll be pretty damn alone, maybe for the rest of my days, since...well, how can I make friends?
I'm not a reliable person. Maybe its just as well.
I'm pretty sure people always said that they were amazing and liberating and blah, blah blah, but I really don't think I'm the only one who doesn't tend to feel that way about them at all. Through the years, I usually found them to be damned awkward and oppressive, and even when I was eventually brave enough to speak my mind...well, that wasn't so great either.
It seems growing up, the situation doesn't improve anywhere near as much as you'd expect, and is particularly harsh for guys.
Of course, we all like to torture ourselves and make things feel much worse than they actually are, but women sort of seem to move on better than men do, from what I've seen. Still feeling like crap, but still able to clamber on to the next guy without as much trouble....maybe its more of a coping mechanism, to feel less rejected. Its a stereotype for men, but it seems these days, women do it a hell of a lot more, while men mostly feel sorry for themselves, women pick up on it, can't it somewhat repulsive, smashing the guy's ego even more, and the cycle continues...basically a lot lonelier of a time.
Personally, I handled this kind of stuff like a guy for most of my life, then after being very rejected and having my heart smashed in on more than one occasion, decided to try being a little more...like a girl. More assertive and positive about myself, really. Well...that worked, in the worst possible way.
Looking back on it, I feel like a bit of a whore, to be honest...of course, at the time, I was just being naive and trying to overcome my failures, but I wasn't being honest with myself, and how I truly am, so there was a lot of massive, ugly mistakes...
I started dating someone too quickly, who was just nice to me after I had my heart broken -- that ended with me doing something I never, ever thought I'd do: I cheated in a relationship. The person that hurt me saw how I was doing, that I wasn't over him, and tricked me into just being friends again, and...well, I was an idiot who was easily led.
Of course, after the shock of realising what I'd done, I told the guy what had happened, apologised, and we broke up...
Unfortunately, the extreme guilt and thought of turning into that kind of person absolutely overwhelmed me, and I tried to kill myself that week.
After that though, there was absolutely no self worth going on. I did turn into one of those people who needed what I thought was love, to feel anything at all. Lets just say, it was a bad year with lots of bad decisions and hurt in there, and by the end of it, I was hurting so bad, I attempted suicide once again.
After that point, my Parents (literally) dragged me off the floor, took me to an emergency place of some sort, where I was told to take anti-depressants or be sectioned, basically, because I couldn't function. ...a truly shit time once again, but I took those damn pills, and the two-three month adjustment time for them lost me a lot of friends (I couldn't control when I would fall asleep, so it was pretty damn awkward)
And of course, I gave up entirely on relationships. I wasn't ready, and clearly the best thing to do is to focus on the only dream I've ever had -- moving to Scotland, and trying to live independently.
I was close to leaving -- the cash was nearly there, and I just had to convince everyone, including myself that I was safe to be left alone.
Then I met Matt for the first time, after lots of laughs with him over facebook and texts...and something weird happened.
I just got this feeling when I met him...I still can't explain it well, other than it was... a really, really happy feeling. Like meeting up with a friend you haven't seen in years, and getting the feeling that you have so much to tell them, and catch up on.
He made me laugh, wasn't too nice to me, as if he was after something, and he's the only person other than my Dad who opens doors for me.
Not only that, we were walking down the street, and he grabbed my arm, and switched places, him on the outside, closer to the road...he still does this, just little gentlemanly things...that has never been a thing in my life before. I've always been treated as either one of the guys, a girl on occasion, but...never like a lady, you know?
There was actually a point to all this....
I suppose its just...a lot of people I know are experiencing maddening crushes right now, and feeling pretty awful, myself included, if I'm honest. But crushes are one thing....from the experience I have now, I'd say crushes, or ones as we seem to think of them now, are actually a sign not to be with that person...crushes -- infatuations are unrealistic. You place the person on a pedestal, and a relationship would never actually feel equal to you. A real relationship is always equal, and no-ones needs are above the other by default.
Its an easy thing to forget, but very important to remember...it can be so damned easy to go the way I did back there...too easy, if you ask me, without even realising.
I know my crush is unrealistic as hell, and oddly strong as those feelings may be at the time, they have nothing on a real relationship.
It has nothing on Matt.
Maybe the point is that you have to let go of your standards and expectations before you can find the right person...you have to be happy with yourself, and what you want, and more importantly, what you need.
Before that...you're just not ready, and things can't really have a chance to happen.
Welcome again to the rarity that is an Ashery update!
I hope 2014 is panning out well for everyone so far, and things are at least going a little according to plan.
Unfortunately, a lot of my own plans aren't working out, as my sickness hasn't really let up at all yet..always one thing or another, keeping me bed ridden, or at the very least, indoors and away from just about everyone and everything.
Matt, however, has been very sweet and encouraging while I'm less than zero; he seems to genuinely think I should go for my own Youtube channel, which would be amazing! I'd love to do something like that - have something useful I can do, even when I'm ill or stuck at home.
However, I do find myself very nervous, and unconvinced I'd be able to bring anything to such a world.
I mean, there's definitely no special talent here, or much in the way of confidence, of which I hear you need at least one of, to make it anywhere on Youtube...I don't even have the nice rack to fall back on! (not that I would, anyway :P )
There's always my amazing impression of a sloth.....I'm sure just about anyone who reads my stuff can imagine how good I am at that!
Anyway, until then, I continue to scour Youtube and get myself inspired as much as possible, as well as continue my embarrassing little crush on Markiplier.
His career is on its way up yet again, as he plans to move to L.A soon, and become a "proper" Youtube celeb. Unfortunately, that usually ends in them turning into self-obsessed, unapproachable douchebags, but hopefully that won't happen. Can't help but feel my dreams would be shattered if Hollywood turned such a nice guy into another souless nob-jockey...
But yes, as previously mentioned, any plans I have are still on hold, and misery still looms because of it, but I will try to stay hopeful, and at least look forward to paying off the last of my debts in summer, and moving out with Matt. I'm absolutely positive that it will the most important step to recovery that I can have.
- Ashery x
Hello again, and welcome to a brand new year, and all that jazziness.
It seems 2013 was a tricky year for a lot of people, and a serious time in a lot of lives, full of major ups and downs.
Whether it related to work, relationships or something else entirely, 2013 was a year in which a lot of people found out who they really are, and where they really wanted to be -- usually somewhere completely different from where they thought!
I won't lie, it has been interesting to watch the people around me grow (some slower than others :P) but while people are all taking big steps forward in some form or another, I can't help but feel very left behind. My life has become very...samey and stale.
Of course, its completely my own fault, but that still doesn't mean I have the slightest idea what to do.
With no intention of this being a self-pity party, I'd like to explain my predicament, and hope that having it out in writing will spark my brain into some kind of magical metamorphosis.
Long story short, being sick from the very beginning of my life, as you would imagine, has put a big hold on things.
Unfortunately, that "hold" has lasted from age two to now, as the more I think about it, I don't think anyone around, including myself, wanted to accept that this illness is a long-term problem. I think the idea was taking things day to day, pump me full of meds and hope for the best.
Not all too practical.
Also, because of said illness, there's been no school. And worse than that, no teachers! My Parents decided to teach me themselves, rather than nab a private tutor, but their lack of communication, and very primitive idea of what education is in this day and age....basically they tried to teach me maths and English. Every day. (thankfully, I loved English, and read everything else I know from all the books I could get my mitts on) ...I know they did their best, and had little money when we were small, but hell...even my older siblings, who of course weren't ill, had some serious problems getting into the real world, not knowing their rights as workers, having anxiety and various other social issues.
Not to mention, none of us have ever really had aspirations.
Now we're in our twenties, thirties, and one approaching their forties, and have pretty much over-come most of these obstacles by winging it, I think it is pretty easy to see that our main problem is aspiration. None of us have been particularly motivated people, further than the level of "just keep going" and none of us have found or have any idea what we really want to do with our lives, on a long-term scale.
My brother went through lots of jobs, quitting, getting fired, doing whatever he wanted to find something that meant something to him...in recentish years, he has become a careworker, lives in Scotland and seems pretty happy, but is on his own a lot...I get the feeling he's lonely.
My sister kept her first job for a long time, in retail, until she had a depressive/anxiety breakdown, and hasn't been able to work since.
She recently started a dog walking/sitting thing, and is self-employed.
And as for me....still no idea at all. I just know I want to do something. I want something to change...but to some extent, I don't even know what. Does that make sense? I know I want to be happy, and useful, and the idea of my life staying like this and being ruled by sickness and anxiety until I snuff it is the single most terrifying thought in the universe. And yet now...it feels disturbingly safe. Like being locked in a cupboard from a monster, and if you open the door, you're absolutely sure you will be eaten up or something. Its terror versus overwhelming fear... Hmm, aren't they the same thing?
I do hope though, with the wake-up call I had in December, that something can be figured out. I'd like to find out what I can do, and what makes me genuinely happy with life. Not in a small, temporary way, like playing a game, collecting, or my BJDs...something real, and lasting, and not dependant on anyone else.
...God. I've always had to depend on someone.
Thanks for reading to the end, if you did. : )
- Ashery x
I'm not entirely sure what it is about, but it is bothering me, so I want to just...get it out.
Remember in my last post, I mentioned something about "letting the days pass, and hoping to find myself at the end of them"?
I really think that time is coming, and it does not feel good at all...
You may or may not know it, but the year before I met Matt was not happy at all. I was stupid, made a lot of mistakes, hurt people, including myself, a lot, and long story short, was at the end of my tether. Matt came along at just the right time, and pretty much saved me from falling any deeper into my black pit of self-loathing. He's an amazing, wonderful person, and I'm so lucky to have him with me, and on my side.
However, a problem remains: I'm absolutely not in the least bit happy with myself.
With Matt, I feel content, and have been happy to let my confidence build little by little, but being content isn't enough for a whole lifetime, is it? I hate the idea of becoming completely dependant on another person for one's own happiness, but when I'm honest with myself, that is how our relationship has been a lot of the time, not because of him, but me. I haven't found my own... happiness yet. I mean, yeah, there's little things like my dolls and stuff, but these things all root to becoming materialistic. Something I really don't want to be. But something is missing...
Enter This Guy.
I found him on an online multiplayer with Pewdiepie, and he made me laugh, but also kind of reminded me of someone...
I subscribed to his channel, laughed a hell of a lot, saw the awesome work he is doing for charity as well, ended up with a mad crush on him, but then it hit me.... he reminds me of how I used to be. I used to be a lot like that when I was happy, and just messing around with my guy friends, when they just saw me as one of the guys. And to be honest, I dreamed of doing what he's doing right now. Being able to motivate people in a positive way, and actually having the influence to affect as much as he does...especially the charity donations!
...anyway, I can not decide if this discovery is a positive or negative thing right now.
On one hand, I feel inspired, but on the other, it makes me realize how small and meaningless my life really is. These days, its fantastic if I can go outside more than once a month, never mind learning something new, finding something to do with my life, etc...it would be great if this life could be about more than just me, without wearing myself out to the point of being bedridden...
...this train of thought requires more consideration.
Anyway, sorry for the strange rant - I was hoping things would make more sense when written out...
But yes, check this guy out on Youtube - he's fantastic.
However, having a crush at the age of 25 is just embarrassing. :B
- Ashery x
Well, hello. *wiggles brows*
Its really been a while, hasn't it?
To be honest, I just haven't wanted to talk about my life in a while; its going through one of those awful phases in which all the plans you want to get on with is just having to sit on the back-burner, and everything feels...stale.
A lot of the time lately has just involved thinking about life as little as possible, letting those days pass, and hoping to find myself again at the end of them.
Then of course, I got ill again!
Its been about a month now, since I got sick, but I think I'm on the mend now, as of...yesterday, after finally manage to eat a proper meal.
Now, as I said, there's been very little going on, so not much to update with, but there's some good stuff coming up!
For my 25th birthday in October, Matt booked a surprise holiday for us in January, which I'm very excited about.
Its just in Nottingham, so I won't be going too far, but honestly,we're both so excited, and can hardly wait! We really need some away time...
Thanks to the usually evil Black Friday, I managed to order my new camera today as well, so will be well prepared to take some (hopefully) awesome shots again. :D Really not getting as much out of the NX as I'd hoped...its great for stationary shots, and things like my dolls, but the zoom is absolutely rubbish, even with the macro lens. Can't be doing with it for an outdoor camera, so Galaxy Camera it is!
Also in January will be Matt's birthday.
I've got some ideas for gifts, but so far the main thing will be going halves for him to get an XBoxOne.
...not a fan of them myself, but I won't be getting a next gen console for a little while still...so much other stuff to sort first, and to be honest...I'm not that excited about either of them. They don't have much coming that I'm bothered about, so why waste the money before the right time? By the time I can get one, the PS4 will hopefully have ironed out any creases, etc, and until then, I'll be happy with FFX HD!
...and one more thing before I go...
A main frustration of mine this year has been that the plan of moving to Scotland seems to get further and further away from me, as Matt becomes more comfortable in his job here...
Of course, I'm happy that he's happy with his work, but...it was also supposed to be temporary while he looked for what he was really after, and its not the nicest of places, so hasn't left him with any better mannerisms than when he went in, if you know what I mean...
He says the idea is that he works his way up to Supervisor, Manager, etc, and then can eventually get a transfer to Scotland, in a few years...but hell, I don't want to *retire* to Scotland -- I want to get started, now!
Its selfish, but its the only thing I've ever been sure of wanting in my life, and he's always known that....
..so yes, very depressing. I'm supposed to save all my cash to pay off the debts I owe, and the rest to move to a place (together locally, for his work) that I don't want to, which will drain me financially for even longer. A massive rut!
However, I managed to speak to him a couple of weeks ago, and make an agreement:
I refuse to save up every last penny of my cash any longer, cause its too hard, so...it will take me six months to pay off my debt, then I will start saving again, and I won't move out anywhere before then. By that time, if he has secured a serious position that he wants at his workplace, I will agree to move locally for now, but if not, and they are leading him down the garden path (which I think they are, unfortunately...) then we start looking for places in Scotland instead.
I think six months is a very fair length of time, right? And of course, I continue to support him....but its a fact that the North-East has probably the worst employment rate in Britain, and Scotland, especially the higher up you go, is pretty damn good.
...we'll see anyway. Truth be told, I'm just glad that its not a pressure//worry anymore. For now, at least.
I think these fantastic little buggers sum everything up rather well:
Many thanks to the genius creator of them.
I've never found something so perfectly accurate before.