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Hello again!

It has once again been too long, but as usual, things have failed to stay positive or calm in my life.

The DLA, or PIP as it is now called, has really hit me this time round; we did end up winning, which of course can only be good news, but the whole process has scared me completely out of my wits. I am reminded of how easily and quickly what little I have in my life can be taken away, and how many people have died because of it being taken from them...
Nobody likes or chooses to be disabled and have a life like this -- it is mind-numbingly meaningless, but we are told by those around us, as well as doctors, shrinks, etc, that our life is worth living, and saving...and now, after all this, the government are all-so-blatantly trying to kill us off. They are causing us to lose our transport, independence, and homes; to be unable to afford what medication we need, actually starving us...it is beyond terrifying to witness. What are we supposed to do, other than just kill ourselves?
This is what they are telling us to do....but after all this, I'll be damned if I make their lives any easier.

I actually feel so guilty for winning though, after knowing what other people have gone through, only to lose...I am overwhelmed by it all, and fear for my future....
People in my life don't seem to understand though - they say I should be happy and think only of now, and how "well" I've done.
Winning a DLA people will never feel like a "win" for me...either way, I feel like I lose. It is more than that - it is life or death for so many of us. If I lost, that does not mean I can have a little sigh to myself, shrug my shoulders and sign up for work... I *can not* work. This isn't a job change or house move for me. What would you do if you knew that in three years, you could possibly lose everything, just like that? My Parents are old now, and I wouldn't want anyone to "take care" of me anyway... what is my life going to be, if I (and I probably will) lose?

I can't let go of these thoughts, regardless of what anyone has to say....I need some time.
I haven't been able to go outside the house, or answer the phone in two weeks, even to my shrink...no idea how to get myself back.
And nobody is really there for me - they don't understand why I'm upset, after winning.....

Please, let this year improve...

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